I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
