I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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