one word: firstdatebathroomanal
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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