I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize