My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize