Sry I called you an 8
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
