It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
