70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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