I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
