John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
