I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
