you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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