if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
