It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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