he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
