mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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