Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
