I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
