im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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