What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
