The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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