i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
