I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
