Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
