3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
