Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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