3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
