New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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