How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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