She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
