Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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