loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize