No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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