just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
