I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
