I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
