JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
