Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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