wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
