I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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