No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
