i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Small penises have feelings too.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
