Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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