Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
