I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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