I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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