I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We left an ass print on the piano.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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