this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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