we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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