I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
What a dumb baby whore.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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