i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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