I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
