i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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