I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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