I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
