Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
