k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize